still a caregiver

I am still a caregiver! Now there is one and not two. Caregiving included going daily to the care facility to visit and check on my mom. Since she is gone (it has been 2 weeks now) I have Jack to give all of my attention to.

The girls are all gone home.....the notes are almost all written.....some notices keep coming of donations given in Mom's memory. There are some dishes to return still. The house is almost back to normal. Whatever normal is or was it yet to be determined.

But for the first time in three years I am sick. Have sinus infection or allergies or something and it has really socked me right between the eyes with all the symptoms of sinus. The worst being a headache.

Friends bless them are still coming by........today someone found a picture that THEY thought belonged on the wall above my buffet in the dining room. She bought this at a garage sale and cleaned it and hung it...........how do I tell her this won't work? ha ha Another came by and brought something from the nursing home where Mom was.........a blanket that I looked for so Mom would be warm.....now I guess I have to deal with this.

Grief has stages........not sure which stage I am in.........not had time to grieve, denying grief, maybe delayed grief, but when it comes I am sure I will recognise it. At the moment peace reigns.

A woman can change her mind............

I didn't think I would feel like writing but I have been so overwhelmed with the love and kindness of my neighbors and friends I must say something.

All of this is really new to me and I had difficulty trying to think when making plans but interesting things have happened.....when I could not think of pallbearers, friends suggested someone Mom really thought a lot of.... I am fairly new to the area and didnt know these people.

When I worried about trying to have something in the house because the girls would be here and I didn't want to think about cooking.........it was needless because friends began to bring in food to eat....hot or cold....some that would keep till after the funeral and the days of doing business, things that would really tempt the appetite that had been skittish of late, thoughtful things and delicious desserts.

The pastor came over Sunday to help finalize plans, had a bit of lunch, and was there when we went to the airport to pick up Jack's daughter. She was still there when we returned; I finally figured out the WHY, so none of the family would be alone. Such thoughtfulness still is beyond the words of thank you.

Of course there are the drop in visits and kind words, the hugs, and the sincere actions that show such caring. Then there was the lady that my daughter told that we would love to have her come by the next day because everyone was so tired......she waited till late in the evening when it was convenient for her and knocked on the door...smiles....was she getting even for not being allowed in to see Mom the day she died? Who can say?

Peace reigns right now because I am the only one up... smiles!

Like a butterfly the spirit floated away on the breeze...

This afternoon Mom's spirit drifted away and left us broken hearted but the knowledge that she has crossed to a better place without pain gives us comfort.

Taking care of arrangements is a very new experience for me and I am finding our friends and neighbors are kind and helpful. I doubt that I will be back for awhile...........Peace!

Spirit of the home...........

I have tried to bring a new spirit to this house. I wanted Marigold Country Home to be a house of hospitality. I wanted friends to feel free to drop in for coffee and to sit awhile for a chat.

The neighbor who cleans for us and helps me so much is also a dear friend. I told her while we were cleaning yesterday that I wanted the house to say welcome to my daughter in such a way she would not want to leave. The friend said that already was the situation and we laughed at the absurd idea that my daughter could just "decide" to stay. The friend that said something that touched my heart. She said, "This house feels like home to me, I like to come here because I feel happy and welcome."

Of course the fact that the house smelled like the "Dump Cake" that was in the oven and the coffee pot had just finished brewing didn't take away from the feeling of warmth and welcome. Did we sample the cake? Are you kidding? And at the end of the day had I given all of it away except one piece for Jack? You bet! Maybe Charles who had a sample and a cup of coffee and took away some for his family enjoyed it also. Oh, and the pastor had a container of cake for "laters". AND THIS MEANS I NEED TO FIND SOMETHING TO SMELL UP THE HOUSE AGAIN TODAY AND TOMORROW AS WELL!

Sunshine in my window..............

The rain, clouds, and gloom have vanished and the sun brightens up the day.

I checked in on Mom this morning. They had gotten her up for breakfast since I usually arrive at that time. She is always more alert and responsive at that time of day. Today was discourging because Mom wouldn't even sip a bit of Resource and she didn't respond to my talking to her. It is always so selfish on our part to want the patient to acknowledge our greetings. Mom was rather aggitated and I think she wanted to talk but could not. I stayed and gave her hugs and kisses from Karla and I and talked to her. I have read that even though they do not respond they often KNOW we are there.

A friend went with me yesterday to check on her and the friend was surprised and really pleased to see that Mom looked so comfortable. Her eyes opened when we talked to her but she made no move to respond to us in any other way. She had had a bath and hair was blow dried, she had a couple of warm covers on her (Mom was cold all summer it seemed). The room was clean and there were no odors except a pleasant lite aroma of a disinfectant spray. The neighbor called my daughter and told her that her Granny was being well cared for. The head of nursing told me that were getting her up in the morning because that was when I came and they thought it was wise to get her up at least once in the day ,at least for now, if she was not too uncomfortable.

Tomorrow Mom will be 91 years young. She always seems younger to me. I will take a treat to the staff. Mom won't be celebrating but those who care for her deserve a special thank you for all of their efforts.

The grief process.............

The nursing center where we have Mom have been very good to lead us into the period of saying good-bye. The grief process is painful for most and the staff has been careful to take us one step at a time. Yesterday afternoon they planned to move Mom to the room next to the nurse's area so they could keep a close eye on her.

Mom has been not eating well at all for several months. But she loved Ensure and the Resource at the nursing facility. Yesterday she refused the resource and further nurishment. I have gone up almost every day to feed her breakfast or to check on her later in the day. Some days I have gone several times just because I couldn't stay away. Lately I often found her asleep and knowing that was time when she was not in pain or uncomfortable, would not wake her. Yesterday they had just put her to bed and I stayed with her till she dropped off the sleep. I had handed her a soft stuffed animal and she clutched that and quickly relaxed. That was the first time she had showed any interested in the furry cat.

I called my daughter and together we talked about when she could come and things we needed to do. We both cried and later she called back that her employer said she could come whenever I called and asked. She had been here in February when her granny had surgery and remembered the good talks they had and expressions of love.

In the afternoon I went to the funeral home we had selected and asked a few questions. The owners grew up across the street from my Mom's home and it was easier to talk to someone from this small town who knew Mom. That was a big step because it seemed so final. I am finding that it is difficult to stayed focused on everyday things. I keep drifting off into memories and then the tears start.

Today is a new day and much to do for the living so must put the grieving aside for a little while. Peace.

How do you say good-by

How do you say good-by to a friend. Do you hug? Walk them to the car, or out on the sidewalk?

How do you say good-by to someone you love?

Do you hold them in an embrace? A kiss on the cheek? Do you hold their hand?

I thought I was getting stronger or maybe more stoic. I am not sure.

I know when we used to visit and had to leave Mom and go back to California..........the embrace was sometimes tearful but often warm and dried eyed. Maybe we just were afraid to cry.

Saying good-by isn't easy for anyone, especially when it is final.