This is a beautiful day, the third this week. The sun is shining and it is warm enough that long sleeves are enough to wear outside.
If I could save some "days in a bottle", I would like to keep them for the future. To take out and savour. The smells of fresh baked bread, fragrant coffee, even meatloaf baking in the oven, and Mother talking to me. Some things just can't always be kept just as they were.
One of those things is the people we love. My mother is moving on in years and "time" with her is her clock that she carries with her. Her smile and laughter is not as frequent now as it was. She doesn't always catch something as funny, but takes a joke literally.
"Time" with her is the past when things were happier and her family members were with her. She has lost two husbands and finds some days just too tiring. Mostly tiring when there is noting of worth that she feels that she can do to help. Recently she will sit and watch me and ask questions, talk to her cat, and talk mostly to herself. Talking to herself is the most important conversations she has. She plans what she is going to do, what she needs to have, and where things are. These conversations offer her confort and security.
Talking to me or my husband or others requires real effort on her part to hear, understand, and often reply. She requires none of that of herself. There are "time in a bottle" moments when we can talk about things present as well as past and really enjoy the exchange. This doesn't happen often enough for me but I hate to bring up some things as that might be a memory that isn't as fresh as some others.
I like being in the kitchen with her, that is where she is happiest. She doesn't cook anymore, claims she has forgotten how to prepare most foods. And I believe that is probably true. She always asks to be sure she has directions right when she is helping and asks for reassurance that she has completed some task satisfactorily. She always does everything wonderfully but she needs the praise to feast upon.
I am not really good at this. And others looking on could probably offer lots of suggestions, all I ask is that they wear my shoes for the "time" of a week. My problem is knowing it won't get better because she won't go to a doctor. Her medications are vitamins of various kinds and the lotions she applies to her legs, arms, and aches.
She likes my cooking because I don't make her wait, cut things up easy to eat ( she has lost many teeth and won't go to a dentist) and it is familiar. At least it is one area that makes her happy. Today's menu is a good example: Meatloaf, red beans, scalloped potatoes, salad, fruit, cake with milk, and tea to drink. Not a lunch that would get a medal for nutrition, mostly small amounts, but she ate it all. I work on getting protein, fruits and veggies in a meal. She works on being sure there is something for her "dessert". lol
I have noticed changes in Mother's personality. This strong, intelligent, woman who taught me to be assertive and achieve anything that I wanted, is now passive on most counts and willing to let others make the decisions and carry the load. But she still hangs on to some areas thank goodness and lets me know when I am bossy.
I am thankful for this place to chat because I have probably wore my daughter out.........she sat in the cold last night listening to me weep with concern, because her cell phone would not work anywhere else, bless her!
Peace!
