Monday is just another day...............

I have been trying to find ways to cope.  The frustration of fatigue, failure, and no fast food is beginning to be a wearing factor on the system.

Before the doctor started to tell me about caring for myself as well as my patients, I had decided some changes had to come about.  I had tried lots of band aides to the emotional stress but none seemed to cover the wounds left by sleepless nights and inexperience in caring for a parent.  There is a difference in caring for spouse and parent.

Sometime in the middle of the night on one of the treks from one end of the house to the other I realized I was hanging on to lots of resentment and anger because I could not get help.  (Long story about insurance coverage).   The frustration and anger had become a badge to wear to gain sympathy BUT it didn't bring help or comfort.

I buried myself in complaints and that didn't carry out the trash, clean the floors, do laundry, or prepare meals.  The complaints only sapped me of energy and the stamina that I needed each day.  The anger  made my heart pound, gave me headaches, and gave me a nasty attitude.  The attitude was my biggest worry.

Then in that middle of the night flash of inspiration came a bright light that let me see how foolish I was being.  I cannot change the situation but I can change how I really perceive  and handle the frustration.  What happened 10 minutes ago is gone.......this is a new  period of time.

Disconnecting the anger, letting go of the frustration, and cherishing each moment with my mom and husband is helping me get through the spring days.  It might not last forever, it might not work for anyone else, and it may only be a band aide until the hurt is better healed, but today is another opportunity to care.  

 

Took my husband to his primary care doctor yesterday.  His first comment was to me.......you have lost weight, what is wrong?

I told him nothing, things were going along pretty good.  He said the life in your eyes and in Jack's eyes is gone.......what is going on?  We  told him we were just tired.....lots of short nights.  And there had been sleepless nights after interupted sleep for incidents for both Jack and Mom.

He went back to something he said the first time he found out we were taking care of Mom.   He is more concerned about the caregiver than the patient.  The patient is taken to the doctor, given their medication, given good care.   The caregiver gives up appointments or doesn't make them for themselves because patients come first.  They don't get enough sleep and don't eat right.   The continued stress and worry breaks down the immune system and they are more suspectable to physical and emotional problems.

Oh well what else is new?   He told me to start thinking about 24 hour care for Mom.    I am not at that point yet......and I can't do that now.

INCOME TAX VS. OUTGO TAX

I have been trying to do Mom's income tax material so I can send it to the "tax man".  This is always an ordeal or me because I hate paper work.   I abhore paying bills, and keeping track of all this stuff makes me a little loopy!

I find that income is really a poor name it is really out go ........ It makes me GO OUT OF MY MIND!

I want to GO OUTSIDE  and do anything but this report to the government.

It seems that Mother certainly has more OUTGO than income, but the government has a different idea.

Jack is doing ours this  year.......no, we only get it all together for the accountant in California.   She loves the torture of this stuff and is much cheaper than Oklahoma!  She just puts out stuff in and pushes Oklahoma button and it works wonders! LOL well probably not so easy as that!

Well, I have quit for the moment.....it is snowing and much more interesting scene than the pile of papers I was messing with. 

I put cornmeal out for the birdies this morning and they have enjoyed the feast.   We have had a beautiful Cardinal-a redheaded Woodpecker- and a beautiful group of birds with yellow breasts and black bibs..........a horde of little black birds and the usual wrens, sparrows, doves, and others.   Even with the cats they come to enjoy what I throw out for them.   They are partial to graham crackers! LOL

Well, I need to find one more check and I am ready to go to stage 2 of insanity!

 

saturday's sunshine

Rain forcast for tomorrow but today is sunny and beautiful.   Did some outside stuff today. And hard to believe really tried to rest some.

Aide's son broke his leg yesterday so that is the reason she didn't come and services have not ceased...thankful for that!  Half of the cat food arrived and the meows were happy ones!

Saturday night.........shall we go out?